Sex Advice From Your friendly Fred Meyers Clerk:

I’m going to preface this with the fact that for some odd reason, Fred Meyer’s clerks always love to chat me up. Unfortunately for them, I’m usually pissed off and angry by the time I get to the cashier and strongly dislike chatting at that point. Why you ask? Well because I feel like I’ve just gone through a battle. I mean I had to fight off the large woman on isle 3 that takes up the whole space with her cart and body and when you say excuse me; she acts like she can’t hear you. Or the 5 kids screaming and running around their parents who don’t seem to give a rats ass. Or the stock guys that won’t move when you’re clearly trying to get a product right behind their palate. Im telling you, it’s a battlefield out there in Fred Meyers.

Now that you have that information, here is the good part. So one day about a week ago, Erich and I are Fred Meyers doing some shopping, which included a new work out DVD for me. It was a Dancing with the Stars one and it was the closest video they had to Zumba. Plus I had a gift card from work for my birthday so it was free. We had finished going through the battlefield and we were almost done. We were patiently waiting in line when a manager says that lane 4 can help us. “Okay sweet” we said. We walked over to lane 4 to see a large, very pale woman with red hair and thick glasses behind the cash register. We had finished unloading everything on the conveyor belt and she starts chatting us up. Instead of being a rude asshole, I oblige to converse with her even though id love nothing more to stand there in silence as she scans our items. We go over random mundane topics as the weather, the new shirts Erich is buying, the type of apples I'm buying (which by the way are Pacific Rose and A-MAZING, i'm seriously addicted and will pay a pretty penny for those babies!). Then she rings up my DVD work out video and says the most awkward thing I’ve ever had a Fred Meyers cashier say to me. Out of her mouth in her best Southern accent came “Oh honnnney, go put on some of your sexiest lingerie you own and pop this DVD in and let your man watch, he will be a happy man”. I’m pretty sure she winked at us too, but I was too stunned to know for sure. At this point I looked at Erich and he was bright red as I’m sure I was as well. I just giggled awkwardly to break the silence because lets face, we both had no idea what to say back. In my head I thought “what the hell? Who says that to a stranger? Do I look like I need sex advice? Oh shit maybe I do! Wait a minute…she did not have a Southern accent earlier!!! Was it really necessary for her to say that in a southern draw? Frankly it made it much creepier in that accent. What the hell?” So after a few awkward giggles from Erich and I (look ma, I used the correct grammar you’ve been beating into my brain since I was little!) she then had to break her own awkwardness by saying “Oh look girl, you’ve got a blusher” while pointing to Erich. So not only did she make us really uncomfortable by telling us how to get our freak on; which by the way, we don’t need help in that department, she then had to point out how awkward we felt about the whole situation. This makes me assume she knows that she is a full on creeper! Thankfully she had finally finished bagging all of our groceries and my apparent new foreplay DVD and we practically ran out that store. After enough steps away from the cashier, the only thing Erich could say was “awkward”. I concur baby, I concur. And my comment? Well I had to comment on her random ass Southern accent that magically showed up when she felt the need to verbally assault my mind.

I'm sure you’re asking yourself; so did you end up putting on lingerie and shaking your money maker while he watched? Sorry to disappoint, but I did not. And I’m pretty sure that was best for both of us. This stupid DVD that I had bought taught the moves so fast that I end up basically flailing my arms and legs around trying to catch up to the hot skinny chick in the video. And I’m no novice at dancing either. I’ve danced since I was little and have done every style you could think of. Lets just say, I'm glad Erich was not in the room with me because he would have started laughing his ass off at my attempts to do some salsa. Note to others: Dancing with the Stars DVD sucks! Buy at your own risk

Sincerely,

The girl who looks like she is desperate enough to take sex advice from a Fred Meyer’s clerk